"Things You Left I'm Packing Up for You"
Here's your reflection from the mirror;
it kept showing up whenever I tried to shave
and blocked my view. Here's the space
between us in the bed; use it for extra room
when you're trying to parallel park. And here's
the air you never shaped to words; it'll make
a whole zoo of balloon animals.
it kept showing up whenever I tried to shave
and blocked my view. Here's the space
between us in the bed; use it for extra room
when you're trying to parallel park. And here's
the air you never shaped to words; it'll make
a whole zoo of balloon animals.
posted by Hedgie at 10:28 PM
6 Comments:
Hi Hedgie,
I'm enjoying popping in to read. This one I particularly enjoyed - you seem to have balanced anger and humour really effectively here.
Keep up the good work :o)
Nicely done.
Thanks for the comments. I get the feeling this one needs something more, at the least a more solid kicker to end on. Thinking . . .
I think it might really benefit from being regimented into a form. Dizain!
I agree with the others, this is fab, but I think it needs a little more oomph at the end, as you do. Julie may have hit on a solution with putting this into form - the repetition of Here's the xxxx idea would probably lend itself well to that.
This is definitely one I'm going to work with later.
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